Kyo Goes to Candy Mountain!
by BluePhyre
Summary: Join Kyo Sohma on his epic journey to Candy Mountain as he encounters many perils such as magical talking leopleuradons and splintery bridges! What's his goal? To get rid of that kidney! Read my Furuba version of Charlie the Unicorn today! Hilarity ensued
1. Candy Mountain

**Disclaimer: I do not own Furuba or Charlie the Unicorn. But I suggest you become obsessed with both. -wink-**

Ok, I was REALLY bored and REALLY hyper, so I made this! Don't take it to mind, please. Anyway... yea.

Kyo: You know I hate you for this, right?

Oh yes, yes I do. -laughs evilly-

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One day, around nine o' clock, kyo could be found sleeping in his room. But not for long!

"Hey, Kyo!" Said Yuki, bouncing into the room. "Hey, Kyo, waaaaake uuuuuup!"

"Yeah, Kyo, you silly sleepy head! Waaake uuuup!" Echoed Tohru, who had entered Kyo's room as well. Blinking, the orange top woke up.

Yawning, he said, "Uh... God you guys," he said, sitting up drowsily, "this had better be pretty freakin' important. Is the house on fire?"

"No, Kyo!" Answered Yuki in a strange voice. This set Kyo off, and he swung his legs over the bed, his eyebrows knit together. "We found a map to Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain, Kyo!"

"Yeah, Kyo!' Tohru piped, her voice almost identical to Yuki's. "We're going to Candy Mountain! Come with us, Kyo!" Kyo groaned inwardly, rubbing his head. When had Tohru started calling him "Kyo", and not "Kyo-kun"?

"Yeah, Kyo! It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Kyo!" Yuki said exitedly, smiling an eerie smile.

"Yeah, Candy Mountain. Right..." Kyo answered, doubt obvious in his voice. He slid his legs back on the bed, pulling the covers over them. "I'm just gonna, ya know, go back to sleep now." He layed down and pulled the covers to his chin, rolling onto his side.

"No!" Yelled Yuki, jumping on him. Kyo's breath was knocked out of him. "Kyo," Yuki continued yelling, jumping on his cousin repeatedly, "You have to come with us to Candy Mount-ain!"

"Yeah, Kyo!" Tohru piped in, her voice equally loud as she kneeled by Kyo's bed, her face mere inches from his. "Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy! And joyness!"

Kyo ignored her. "Please stop bouncing on me." He said instead to Yuki, who didn't oblige, only continued yelling.

"Candy Mountain, Kyo!" Yuki screamed.

"Yeah, Candy Mountain!" Tohru mimicked. That had gotten on his last nerve, seeing her pleading face.

"Alright! Fine! I'll go with you to Candy Mountain."

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"La la, la la, la la, la la, la la," sang Tohru and Yuki, who were leading Kyo through the hall and down the stairs. Kyo's blood was boiling in annoyance.

"Enough with the singing already!" He yelled, and the two stopped.

"Our fist stop is over there, Kyooo!" Yuki said, his voice still weird, his smile still eerie. They went down the stairs and were greeted with the sight of the kitchen, with a giant, ugly scaly thing lying in the middle of the kitchen. Little did Kyo know it was really Shigure with very dry skin.

"Oh god, what is that?" He asked, apalled.

"It's a leopleuradon, Kyo!" Yuki said, pointing exitedly at Shigure.

"A _magical_ leopleuradon, Kyo!" Said Tohru, a giant smile on her face.

"It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain!" Yuki continued, staring at Shigure.

"Uh, guys, you do know there's no actual Candy Mountain, right?" Kyo asked, slightly afraid now that the two were going clinicly insane.

"Shun the non-believer!" Yuki yelled, pointing at Kyo frantically.

"Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Tohru yelled, also pointing at Kyo, who sighed.

"Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun" Yuki hollered, catching Shigure's attention.

"Yeah..." Kyo muttered.

"Diffrighdfknas;fjsdigfjdkl!" Shigure said, his stuck with peanut butter.

"It has spo-ken!" Yuki screamed, once again.

"It has told us the waaaaaa-aaaaaay!" Tohru yelled, running out the door with Yuki at full-speed. Kyo sighed and followed them.

"It didn't_ say_ anything!"

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"It's just over this bridge, Kyo!" Yuki yelled as they stood on a wabbling, rickety bridge. They had led him though the forest until they came upon it, and insisted they cross it.

"This magical bridge!" Tohru said, standing beside Kyo. _'What is it with her and magic?' _Kyo thought. "Of hope and wond-eeeer!"

"Is andbody else, like, getting covered in splinters?" Kyo asked, picking his hand up from the rope rails. They were filled with wood. "Like, seriously, guys, we sholdn't be on this thing."

"Kyooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kyyyyyyoooooooooooooooooo! Kyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Yuki said, holding out Kyo's name for as long as he could.

"I'M RIGHT HRE, WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!" Kyo yelled. Yuki was getting on his last nerve.

"We're on a bridge, Kyo!" Yuki said.

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After the trio had gotten off the bridge, they continued though the forest until they came up to a little heap of candy with a door-sized hole in it.

"We're heeeereeee!" Tohru said, smiling. Kyo looked up to the pile frowning.

"Well whadda ya know, there actualy is a Candy Mountain..." Kyo muttered under his breath, feeling foolish to be wrong.

"Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain!" Yuki said, dancing around the pile gayly. "Feel me with sweet, sugary goodneeeeess!"

"Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave, Kyo!" Tohru said, standing close to him. A blush rose to his cheeks.

"Yeah, Kyo!" Yuki exclaimed, "Go inside the ca-ve! Magical wonders will behold when you enteeer!"

Distrusting, Kyo declined, "Uh, yeah, thanks but no thanks. I'm gonna stay out here."

"But you haaave to ender he Candy Mountain Candy Cave, Kyo!" Tohru said, flipping on a boombox tha suddenly appeared in her hand. Suddenly, Haru, Hatori, Hiro, Akito, and Rin jumped out from behind the pile and started dancing, each with a letter from "candy" painted on their shirt. Akito, who was wearing "y", came up to Kyo and started singing.

"Oh when you're down and looking fo some cheering up,

Then just head right onup to the Ca-andy Mountain Cave!

When you get inside you'll find yourself a che-ery land!

Such a happy and joy-filled, perky, merry land!

They've got lolly pops and gummy drops and candy things!

Oh so many things that will brighten up your day!

It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town!

It's the mecha of loving candy cane!"

Suddenly, colored spotlights flipped on and everyone besides Kyo stared floating around Candy Mountain. The letter bearers continued dancing.

"You've got jelly beans and coconuts and hats!

Candy mats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets!

Ride the Candy Train to Cady Town and be the Candy Man!

Candy Bells, it a treat as they march across the land!

Cherry ribbons stream across the sky and into the ground!

Turn around, it astounds! It's a dancing Candy Tree!

And the candy canes' imagination runs so free!

So please Kyo, will you go into the cave!?!"

Akito stopped singing, and suddenly he and the rest of the letter bearers exploded. Yuki and Tohru dropped to the ground immediatly, laughing.

"Alright, fine! I'll go into the freakin' Candy Cave! This had better be good." Kyo yelled, marching though the entrance in exasperation. Once he was in, he saw nothing but dark on the inside. From the outside, there was light coming in. As he looked back to Yuki and Tohru, they laughed.

"Ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

"Ha ha ha ha ha ahah ah aha ha ah ah ah h aha ah ha ah ha!"

"Goodbye, Kyo!" Yuki yelled.

"Yeah, goodbye, Kyo!" Tohru echoed.

"Goodbye!?! What!?!" Kyo yelled back, running for the exit. Metal doors slammed in his face, and the laughing of other joined Yuki and Tohru. "What's going on here!?!"" No answer. "Hello?" Suddenly, Kyo heard footsteps in the dark. "Who is that!?!"

A pain erupted in his gut as a hard fist rammed into it. He gasped as more came, but eventually Kyo fainted.

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Once again, Kyo found himself in his bed, sleeping under the covered. He sat up, wondering if ti was all a dream. But as he did, a sharp pain throbbed on his hip.

"Oww... Gah, what happened?" He asked drowsily.

When his hands trailed down to the pain, he found hastily done stitches, blood still oozing out of the wound.

"Aww, they took my freaking kidney!"

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Did you absolutely love it!?! D Review! I'm sorry if any of the song if wrong. I nkow at least two lines are. It's hard to understand. I did my best. Anyway, please go to youtube to watch Charlie the Unicorn! Also, review like I sad before! Ja' ne!


	2. The Banana King

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or Charlie the Unicorn 2. Sorry. Neither do I own Scrubs... or Ebay...  
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I recycle! Again! Do you know how annoying uploading documents is? Besides, this is a low quality fanfic. Completely pointless... And onto the story. Go put a banana in your ear, will you? I honestly think it would be funnier if it was "shove a banana up your ass," but ok.

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Kyo, having promptly, hunted down and knocked both Yuki and Tohru out, was enjoying his life. Despite the fact that he was cooking for himself - that meant none of Tohru's delicious food - and taking care the now (somewhat) better Shigure gone leopleuradon, it was rather nice to have the house to himself. Namely, that meant no bewitched, creepy-voiced cousins of his pestering him with their candy mountain, no Tohru using "magical" to describe every object they came upon, and no stolen kidneys. Of course, Kyo never found out where that had put his last one...

But that as beside the point. People can survive with one kidney, right? Right!?

But, as life goes on, most people are bright enough to recognize: those who are knocked out kinda, you know, still come to. And that is exactly what Tohru and Yuki did. Ugh. _Great_.

"Nothing good is every on," Kyo moaned as he stared at the television, lounging lazily on the couch. "Where's somebody to beat up when you need them?"

Karma came back to bite Kyo at this very moment, and, to his horror, the soprano voices of his possessed housemates reached his ears.

"Glub, glub, glub," one of the two - Kyo didn't really want to know - gurgled while the other one began to breathe like Darth Vader. Looking up, he found Tohru and Yuki floating over him, garbed completely in scuba diving gear.

_'Dear God, just kill me now...'_ Kyo pleaded mentally as he obverved the two floating in midair.

"Look over there!" Yuki cried as his eyes flicked to Kyo's stunned body below. "It's a coral reef!" Kyo groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Oh, look, it's you guys," Kyo droned dryly. Taking another glance at Tohru, he secretly wished she was wearing a skirt. _'Damn, been hanging out with that pervert Shigure too long...'_ He groaned. "And... you're floating."

"Kyo, we're scuba diving!" Yuki laughed.

"We're exploring the depths of of the ocean blue!" Tohru chimed in with a smile.

Just then, Yuki gasped and floated farther away. Kyo just stared. "Oh no!" Yuki screamed in terror. "Here comes a school fugu fish!"

It was Tohru time to shriek, and she did. "NOOOOOOOOOO! FUUUUUUUUUUUGUUUUUUUUUU!"

Kyo snorted. "Yeah, you gotta watch out for those," he muttered, deciding to humor them for once. "You know what, swim away. They won't follow you. Neither will I. I'm watching TV."

With the sound of an explosion, Kyo felt a hole in his stomach open up. From within it started glowing blue, like a funnel of light. Kyo screamed and began to run around as if on fire, while both Tohru and Yuki watched with mildly amused expressions. Apparently it was normal for hot-tempered men's stomachs to erupt into blue light.

"The vortex is open!" Yuki cried a Kyo continued to run around in a panic. Within another minute, he got annoyed and screamed, "STOP MOVING!" Kyo did.

"Oh God," he gasped, finally coming to his senses. "Ok, what is this?" Just as he spoke, both Yuki and Tohru began gravitating towards the light comign from Kyo's abdomen.

"KYOOOOOO!" Tohru cried, "We're being pulled into the vortex!" Looking to the side, she continued to rant. "Swim away, fugu fish! SWIM AWAY!"

"Com on now," Kyo moaned, his voice rising in panic. "You guys are freakign me out! Turn this thing off!"

Yuki answered, "there's no stopping the vortex, Kyo!" And then, as they disappeared within the hole in Kyo's stomach, they both began to scream, "FUGU!"

As the two vanished, the vortex closed, leaving Kyo and the house perfectly normal. A pause. A blink. "Uh, guys?" Kyo asked after some time. "Guys?" ON asecond thought he added, "or girls. Um, I don't really know what Yuki classifies as anymore."

The erupting sound appeared once more and Yuki popped part way out of Kyo's stomach. "Kyo, Kyo, I have the amulet!"

"WHAT AMULET!?" Kyo began to freak out again. "What's going on?"

"We have the amulet, Kyo!" Yuki said as an answer. "The magical amulet! Sparkle, sparkle!"

"S-sparkle!" Tohru added, joining Yuki for a moment before hopping back out of sight.

"I don't undertsand what you're talking about!" Kyo screamed.

"THE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMUUUUUULEEEEEEEEEET!" Yuki taunted evilly. "The aaaaaaaaaaamulet! Then, he disappeared back into Kyo's stomach, the hole vanishing. Again.

"Uh, is it over?" Kyo asked. As if to asnwer his question, only a second later both Tohru and Yuki reappeared, this time with Yuki holding a shining medal.

"We did it!" he exclaimed victoriously.

"We got the amulet" Tohru added.

"Great," Kyo muttered. "Now go away!" He glared at Yuki. "I'm tired of the horrible things that happen when you two are around!"

"NO, KYO!" They both yelled, suddenly inflating. Kyo screamed and jumped back. "N-NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The inflating stopped, as if it never happened. "We have to take the amulet to the Banana King!"

"Oh, yes, the Banana King, of course," Kyo mused. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

Tohru began to cry, tears coming down her face in torrents. Kyo blushed and began hyperventilating. He hated it when girls cried. "H-he's counting on us, Kyo!" she blubbered, trying to wipe the water from her eyes. And just as Kyo went to calm her tears, Tohru began floating away.

"If we don't take the amulet to the Banana King," Yuki ranted, "the vortex will open and let out a thousand years of darkness!"

"Noooo," Tohru screamed, still bawling, "darknessssss!" As to demonstrate their point, the vortex opened again, this time wielding tentacles that stretched from Kyo's stomach.

"AHHH," he screame dover the noise, "ALRIGHT, fine, I'll go!"

And just like that, the portal closed and Tohru stopped crying. "YAY!" They cheered. "DARNKESS!"

The three companions walked through the woods, Tohru and Yuki ahead, giggling happily and making strange noises with their tongues. Kyo, however, followed behind with a scowl on his face as he watched Tohru in her insanity.

_'Just when I was starting to like her, too,'_ he thought to himself with a sigh.

"Blooblooblooo!" Yuki squeaked, sticking his tongue out. Tohru did the same in response, as did Yuki. This carried on for about a minute until Kyo had enough of it.

"What the hell are you two doing?" he asked dejectedly. His only answer was more of the deranged noise. "Stop that!" Just for fun, Yuki squeaked one more time before doing as Kyo said.

Then, they came upon the giant "Z" that rested - quite randomly - in the middle of a clearing between the trees.

"Whoa," Kyo gasped, "look at that." He snickered to himself. "Well, it's better than a leopleuradon, anyway."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Tohru and Yuki exclaimed together.

"El hombre con el sombrero nos envoi!" Yuki said.

"El nos dijo muchas historias asombrosas!" Tohru exclaimed with a smile and a true Spanish accent. As Kyo stared in horror, the Giant Z began to blink and make noises one would relate to a game show. As it became accompanied by Yuki and Tohru's laughs - which were beginning to sound like a very French Saint Nicholas - Kyo sighed.

_'This is Madness...'_

"What?" Kyo asked deftly, very well knowing he really didn't want to understand what they had said, or why they even had learned Spanish to begin with.

"Esta noche nosotros cenamos Tortugas!" Tohru continued, and Yuki joined in with a, "Así que bueno, ellos serán!" The Giant Z glowed a bright crimson and the light focused, fired as a laser beam would, and barely missed Kyo's head.

"Ah," Kyo screamed, recoiling from the bright red beam. "What the hell did you two do!?"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

"Soi Feliz!"

The two began walking - and laughing eerily - again, and Kyo sighed, following behind at a cautious pace. "Just keep walking, Kyo, keep walking..."

The three made their way through the woods some more - Kyo was observing every little rock as so he would know which way to run if Tohru or Yuki tried to force him into a cave again - without further incident. Of course, that was until they encountered, well, a gargantuan sneaker. Why was that not surprising?

"Hop on board the train, Kyo!" Yuki exclaimed, pointing to the large footwear.

"It's gonna take us to the Banana King, Kyo!" Tohru added with a large, very creepy smile. Kyo looked around for a moment and, contrary to Yuki's prior statement, there was no train. Somehow, Kyo had expected this. Sanity was just _that_ far out of reach at this point.

"I don't see any train," Kyo groaned. "All I see is a," he paused, wondering if he should even say it, "giant... sneaker."

Of course, Yuki had an answer. "It's the Choo Choo Shoe, Kyo!" he explained, as if it was painfully obvious. And, of course, Tohru echoed Yuki's every word. Smiling. "Hurry, Kyo!" Yuki continued as he and Tohru approached the sneaker. "It's about to leave!"

Kyo watched in remorse as they climbed in - at that point he grimaced - and sang, much like two year-olds, " Chuga chuga, chuga chuga, chuga chuga, chuga chuga choo shoe!" over and over again. "Yeah," Kyo muttered, "I forgot my boarding pass. I'll just walk..."

And that he did.

Much to Kyo's dismay, the two demented souls followed him.

The three arrived upon the site of a pyramid, decorated with bananas and a few flaming torches, and Kyo was not surprised. What where a few pyramids compared to mountains of candy? Really, he was partially insane anyway. Why hesitate to fill in the gap?

"We're here, Kyo!" Tohru exclaimed, smiling and grabbing said shapeshifter's hand. Despite her awkward stage, Kyo blushed a deep, cherry-red blush; the one reserved for Tohru. Of course, Yuki jumped between them, yelling, "the Temple of the Banana King!"

"Great!" Kyo exclaimed. Returning to his sour mood, he suggested, "let's leave the amulet here and GO HOME."

Just then, Momiji, clad in a Santa hat (and moustache and beard) and an odd slug costume, with makeup to top it all off. Kyo blinked.

"What is Momiji doing here?" he asked. When he got no reply, he gulped and added, "no, no really. You guys see him, right?" Awkward pause. "I gotta be honst, I'm getting creeped out here. Somebody say something!"

Just as he finished speaking, music started. Kyo fought a scream; one thing he had learned from his previous experience was that music was never, ever, EVER good. Neither was the fact that Momiji was flying.

"Kyo, you look so down! With your big fat eyes and your big fat frown!" Momiji sang as he floated higher into the sky. "The world doesn't have to be so graaaaayy!"

Kyo found that he seemed to be hovering above the ground, too, which was slowly fading away and being replaced by a flashing dance floor, complete with bananas dancing on the side and the moon at the end of the stretch of tiles.

"Kyo, when your life's a mess, when you're feeling blue, always in distress, I know what can wash that sad away!" Momiji continued to sing and float closer to Kyo, who was looking around frantically for, well, the exit. Though he knew very well that in hallucinations - or wherever Tohru and Yuki led him nowadays - there was no escape.

"All you have to do is," Momiji took a deep breath, "PUT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"

Kyo, feeling the melody getting to him, sang back, "a banana in my ear?"

In confirmation, Momiji sang, "Put a ripe banana into your favorite ear! It's true!"

"Says who?"

"So true," Momiji continued, ignoring his older cousin altogether. "Once it's in your gloom will disappear! The bad in the world is hard to hear when in your ear a banana cheers! So go and put a banana in your ear!"

Yuki and Tohru appeared floating alongside Momiji, and together, along with a dozen or so bananas, they continued to sing. "Put a banana in your ear!"

"I'd rather keep my ear clear!"

"You will never be happy if you live your life in fear!" they sang. "It's true!"

"Says you!"

"So true! When it's in the skies are bright and clear!" Momiji yelled. "Oh, every day of every year the sun shines bright in this big blue sphere! So put a banana in your eeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" As he hit the last note, Momiji burst into flames and the hallucination disappeared to leave Kyo standing alongside Tohru and Yuki where he once had been.

"Of course, he burst into flames!" Kyo hollered.

As if none of it had ever happened, Yuki yelled, undeterred, "Go forth, magical amulet! Return to the Banana King!" The medal did as it was told, releasing itself from the necklace it was on around Yuki's neck and floating into the air. Then, a beam of light cast from it and onto - who else - Kyo.

"Kyo!" Yuki screamed, "you're the Banana King!"

"What?" Kyo asked with a growl. Then, he began to be pulled up into the air by the ray of light, all the meantime squirming in an attempt to get free. "Hey, hey, hold ON a minute!"

"You're the Banana King, Kyo!!" Tohru exclaimed happily.

"No, I'm not! That doesn't even make sense!" he argued.

"All hail the Banana King!" Tohru and Yuki called.

"I'm not the Banana King!"

"You ARE the Banana King!"

"No," Kyo screamed, "no, I'm... I'm..."

"Banana, banana, banana, banana!" the banana chanted, and a crown rained down from the sky and fell onto Kyo's head.

"I, I AM the Banana King!" Kyo admitted gleefully, a smile growing on his forever angry face.

"YAY!"

"You ARE the Banana King!"

Kyo, too wrapped up in his joy, didn't notice Tohru, Yuki, and the banana disappear as he yelled, "I AM the Banana King! I"m the Banana King! Yeah!" Then, he glanced down. No one was there. "Hey, where'd you go?" No answer. "Guys? Hello?" Nothing. "GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" The light flickered, and the amulet vanished, leaving Kyo suspended in the air... for about two seconds. "Oh, shit..."

Thump.

Kyo had landed on his back with a thud and a grunt, and continued to lay there in pain. "Ok, that's a sprain..."

Once Kyo had managed to get up, he promptly ran back towards home, purposely leaving the Banana King crown behind. God, Kyo didn't need a reminder of THAT ordeal... Retracing the steps, and groaning at his stupidity at every one of them, he found his way home. Only when he got there, nothing was left.

"Ah, you gotta be-" he screamed. "Great, they robbed me!" Then, Kyo's stomach erupted into the vortex again and he fell over. Yuki smirked from half outside his cousin's torso.

"Kyo!"

"What?" Kyo screamed. "What do you want?"

A pause...

"Bloobloobloo!" Yuki stuck out his tongue before poping back into the portal. It closed.

Kyo only frowned. He was just THAT used to it.

And then the end credits came.

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Within the alternate dimension, Tohru laughed. "Now we have the house AND his kidney!" she cackled evilly. The two sat at a laptop, staring a the screen for a moment. "Aww, damn, I forgot my password to Ebay! What are we gonna do with all this crap now?"

Yuki stared at Tohru for a moment. The two grinned evilly.

"KIDNEY FIGHT!"

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Tee hee. That was my own ending. I was kinda wondering what happened to all of Charlie's stuff... But honestly, what do you do when you steal someone else's possessions? Ebay, DUH! Oh, and the Kidney fight... Got that off of Scrubs. xD Don't own any of that stuff, btw. Heh. Thanks for putting up with this crap. Go watch the real thing, will you? If you haven't already, of course. Thankfully, this one's song is easier to understand... Ooh, you know what was a good movie? Wall-E! I just went to see it. G-Rated but funneh. Just like Kung Fu Panda! Well, ja'ne!

P.S. REVIEW. THANKS.


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